My place or ... your parents?

When I said I'd go home with you, I didn't mean literally.

At first I thought this was a blip, something so out of the ordinary that it managed to stick out in my mind. I had heard about one or two examples before but each individual had a perfectly good reason for being in this situation. Except I kept hearing more and more examples coming out of the woodwork, prompting me to stop and take notice. Another interesting thing I have noticed about the new breed of twenty-something men, that is they are more than happy to move and live at home after university.

Now I am not one to judge, but doesn't that seem a little off? I can understand a quick lay-over, a stop in between university and real life, but when the lay-over becomes an extended vacation what does the twenty-something female do? It's one thing to have male-friends who are living at home after university, but it's another thing to date a guy who is living at home after university.

I had been seeing this 24 year old with a masters degree from an accredited university in Canada. He had recently moved back home because he felt that getting an apartment before getting a job was counterproductive, and I agreed. At first I didn't think it would affect me as much, but after a few months it started to when it was quite apparent that he was not interested in moving out. Granted I do have to admit living at home has its obvious benefits, but so does living on your own. I mean, it is one thing when you are 17 and dating, when it's ok to bring your date or your girlfriend/boyfriend back to your parents house when they aren't home or if they are home if you are feeling risky to sneak around and make out. But it's another thing when you're 24. As a 21 year old girl, it didn't feel right. So why does it feel right to a 24 year old guy?

I was recently speaking to a realtor who mentioned to me that more and more young, single twenty-something girls are buying their own place, sometimes with the help of their parents and sometimes as 'just me'. She has her degree, like the modern man, except she seems more interested in pursing her independent adult life by continuing to live on her own. It's as if the twenty-something girl is taking on the role formerly dominated by guys post-university; buying a house, a car, neither of which are or were her parents. Twenty-something guys, however, are taking on the role formerly dominated by girls post-university; being at home and relying on his parents before leaving when he is ready... Or when he is kicked out.

I think the problem lies with the fact that what men are looking for and what women are looking for has changed. The twenty-something female is looking for a partner, an equal. She isn't waiting for a man to enter her life for it to begin, so someone who is willing to fit into her already-established life. The twenty-something man, so it seems, is looking for his mother or at least someone kind of like his mother which explains why he is so content, even happy with moving back home at 23, 24, 25... And leaving... Well, when will he leave?

Modern Dating: Progression or Regression?

Modern Dating: Progression or Regression?

For a twenty-something girl, modern dating can be tricky. The rules have changed, the roles have shifted, and expectations have been altered to a point of absolute confusion. Where once the definition of dating was clear and precise now it is .. Well it's just shades of grey. The shift came along with the evolution of what some writers call the "Manolo Blahnik female". These women are sexy, sexual, powerful and confusing as hell to men and women alike. To women, she is what we're expected to be, our goal even: ambitious, self-reliant, independent, sexually confident and free and most importantly, aggressive with our careers, with our futures and with our men. She is the hunter instead of the hunted; the chase instead of the catch. Trust me, you see these women everywhere. She's the one at the bar in the stiletto heels, the lowcut shirt, the equally low riding jeans checking you out from across the room. If you're lucky she'll introduce herself, buy you a drink, take you home and maybe give you her number. To men... she is the answer to their prayers. She does all the work, puts in all the effort, and only expects him to play along and enjoy the ride.

But what about those of us who aren't "Manolo females"?

I was recently dating this one guy, we'll call him "Ken", and the most effort I got out of him were phone calls that eventually degenerated to sporadic text messages and a personal visit but only in private. I had finally convinced him to ask me for a proper date, however sometime during the week "Ken" fell sick but didn't find it necessary to inform me of this. I ended up inviting him for drinks at a local martini bar that was maybe eight blocks away from my apartment, but even that was too much to ask of the modern male. It's not that "Ken" as a modern male is scared so much as "Ken" and all other modern males are used to getting what they want and when they don't they put up a wall instead of putting up a bit of effort.

Now I am not saying that the "Manolo female" would not have been upset had she found herself in this situation. It does beg the question, by becoming the "Manolo female", did modern women give up the right to be treated like a lady? Have we gained so much power in the business and social world that we no longer expect a little common courtesy from the opposite sex?

The "Manolo female" is perpetually on top... in education, in fitness, in career, in sex... The "Manolo female" is doing all the work now and she doesn't even realize it. They are chasing men, paying their own way, and it seems as if modern men are simply laying back and enjoying the ride. And who can blame them? We have allowed men to relax and forget that the amount of effort, not the amount in his bank account, is what's appreciated. When everything is coming to the modern man, why would he feel the need to put in effort where none is required to get what he wants? So when faced with a situation with a woman who requires a bit of effort, the modern man doesn't know what to do. Scratch that. The modern man knows what to do; he simply feels that he doesn't have to because soon enough he'll meet another "Manolo female" who will put in all the effort for him and give him what he wants without him ever having to lift a finger. What women want has changed over the years along with the methods of getting what we want. But not men. Men still want what they've wanted before, and the "Manolo female" has made it easier on him.

So what about the rest of us? The so called "Manolo-lights" who, although independent, empowered, confident and sexy, are looking for men who will treat us like a lady? When I can't even get a modern man to drive the extra eight blocks to meet me for a drink I have to ask myself, has dating as we knew it gone the way of the dodo?