Ambivalence

One thing that I have noticed about Paris, and all other men I subsequently have a train wreck of a non-relationship with, is that they are all really ambivalent. For those of us who are unfamiliar with that term (I was until Monday evening), ambivalent is characterized by a mixture of opposite feelings or attitudes; or uncertain or unable to decide about what course to follow. I say this because of certain … actions, as I have come to accept that words are simply a vibration riding on a mixture of carbon dioxide and nitrogen; that have pulled me in one direction or the other and of course, have left me totally confused. Why is it that some men or at least the men I attract/am attracted to thrive on presenting me with mixed signals? Is this all some part of a big twisted power pulling game? Because let me tell you, starting a relationship with some sort of competition only leads to failure, you know why? In any kind of competition, there is usually someone who loses, who is defeated. Seriously guys, games are for children, and unless you are in to that, (which if you are then stay the hell away from me), hear this: if you are looking for an adult relationship, or a relationship with adult perks, then quit the mind games. You’re making me wonder if guys at any age know whether or not they are coming or going.

I once thought, and I guess for the most part still do think, that dating is all about finding a person you mesh with; someone who as completely them self you click with. You get along with, you compliment. I get that some guys are looking for a challenge, and that some of them are looking for an easy lay. Fine, whatever. So, if the majority of guys know what they want, whatever it is they want, then why bother with the mind games? Why the cluster-fuck of push-and-pull statements and actions that make us believe one thing one day and another the next, or even worse, only act part-way on one belief and part-way on another.

I know what you are thinking: “He’s just not that into me”. Oh, if it were that simple; I’d be a lot happier if Paris and all the other men had said to me “yes, I am just not that into you”, or more realistically just said “yes/yeah/grunt” to my exit strategy I present. Paris didn’t, even when promised that nothing would change and I was true to my word. I would also be happy if not for the fact that every time I manage to convince myself that Paris is “just not that into me”, he does something that makes me believe, and everyone else who hears what he does, that he is clearly and painfully in to me. I don’t care what Greg says, when a conversation includes topics more appropriate for the bedroom and not the boardroom, as I was at work when this happened and I was lead to believe that so was he, chances are the guy likes me.

However, and there is always a however, lately Paris has cooled off; we still speak, but not as frequently and not as freely, well at least not today. I could come up with excuse after excuse as to why this is happening; oh he’s probably busy; oh he’s taking his time in responding; oh he’s stepped out of his office; oh he’s away from his phone… but I know that in the end they’re all bullshit. So are all the other excuses I’ve made for the men in my life who are too good to be true and too ambivalent to be a real contender.

Now it would be unfair of me to simply blame those ambivalent, ambiguous men I clearly adore and adhere to. I would be lying if I didn’t say that as a twenty-something girl, I have been and usually am of two minds. There are some days where the loneliness is palpable, and if I have to do one more stupid errand by myself I think I will explode; and yet there are other days where I am reminded how great it is to be single and how much I hated being chained to my boyfriend, and how much I value my independence and free will. My ambivalence gets to me and subsequently to all the men I am currently quasi-seeing. Sometimes I want them to call me and take me out, but there have been other times when I simply forget to return their phone calls. I am not confused on purpose; trust me, I hate being confused. And I hate mind games too… which is why I can honestly say that I haven’t lead on any of the men I’ve had dates with, or at least I don’t think I have.

I guess ambivalence is a two way street; clearly I am projecting the fact that I am ambivalent when it comes to relationships, is that why I seem to attract men who are ambivalent as well? Like attracts like, so I guess the key to finding someone who knows what they want is to know what you want.