A Matter of Attraction

Getting what you want... just not when you want it.

Among my circle of girlfriends it is generally accepted that the best way to get a boyfriend is to get a boyfriend, or in other words the only way to get sex is to have sex. Now I don’t know about you but as much as I’ve witnessed, experienced and ranted about this odd version of ‘how things work – dating wise’ this concept has never ceased to amaze and frustrate me.


On one hand I understand the logic: One cannot just sit around and wait for everything you want to literally fall into your lap. You meet people you can date by meeting people in general. You find yourself in a relationship by putting yourself out there, not by hiding in the background wondering why nobody is asking you for dinner, coffee or even if you need a hand with your laundry. But at the same time why is it when and ONLY when you find a significant other that you actually like do options all around you open up that were closed or unavailable or invisible when you were single? I mean, what shift in personality, actions, emotions or thoughts triggers such an influx of suitable candidates in a dating game only after you’ve stepped off the field?

I am talking, of course, about Paris. Now before I go into detail I must state that as a lover of science I know that I cannot base any theory of mine, no matter how outlandish or silly, on one case and one case alone. Ever since Vegas and I reunited I have somehow found myself the object of affection of known-platonic friends, new co-workers and randoms on the bus/street/gym. It's really as if the idea of a taken woman is the most intriguing, desirable, obsessive idea to some men – so much that given the opportunity he’d cross the line from platonic friend to homewrecker in an instant if there was the slightest chance that you’d discover you felt the same way. Text messages, phone calls, being extra helpful. Even when they know you have a boyfriend. Seriously - What is it about having a relationship that attracts more potential suitors for, well, a relationship?

Or in Paris’ case, the potential for a hint of truth; or clarity in his case. It all started with a quick hello-how-are-you phone call that after a mentioning of me running off with a man and how it would affect Paris’ plan, the conversation turned into an on slot of emotional confessions from a shade of grey did-I-or-didn’t-I man that I must admit I was not prepared for. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think he was prepared for it either. Paris is typically a smooth-talking man who is cleaver with his words. He gives you enough to make you curious but too little to solidify anything. But this morning he was going on about revelations and a deeper understanding... Oh and my personal favourite, how he’s changed.

In those ways he had changed – The entire conversation felt like he wanted to say something to me, something of obvious importance but for one reason or another the words were not flowing from his mouth in its’ usually symphony of grey, but more of a sharp staccato of black and white. It intrigued me enough to stay on the line without saying much, but at the same time not enough to probe and prod for a deeper understanding.

Why? Well because I am of the belief that people don’t really change – they evolve. Perhaps Paris had a revelation or two, or his radar went off that I was now off the market, that made him realize that ‘hey maybe this girl isn’t so bad’. He said so himself that when we first connected in November of 2005 he wasn’t prepared for the striking similarities and easy comfort that he and I possessed so effortlessly. It shook him and caught him off-guard, as it did me. He also said that he knows he affects me (duh) and that different emotions come up (shit) and neither of us know how to respond (fair). And then he brought up this that he wanted to discuss it at a later time.

The issue is, and this goes with all other platonic men who have decided to enter a race that has already been won, is that their time to discuss anything further with me with the hopes that further discussion will lead to further action has come and gone. Chris’ theory is similar to mine in that when a guy finds out that his attractive girl friend he’s flirted with on and off but never pulled the trigger now has a boyfriend, it is a rude awakening to some men’s (and women’s) innate laziness when it comes to opportunity. I know that a significant number of people do not realize what they have until it’s gone, and as Chris put it so eloquently, it’s like leaving something for later because you know it’ll always be there. But Paris and all others should know that when it comes to people, he or she may not always be where you left them last.